July 2012
June 2012
Going to the bronx zoo with Johnny today. Can’t tell you how happy I am.
“I want to live, not just survive.”
—
And the body image from hell returns.
I just really don't know who to turn to when I need to talk. I just can't keep my feelings bottled up anymore.
I don’t want to be here to see another death, I lost my father already, I can’t lose anyone else that I love. I don’t want to be here to see my family and I get kicked out of our house, or to see my mom struggling. I just can’t bare to see bad things happen anymore, it hurts too much.
This anxiety is suffocating me.
At night when I can’t sleep my thoughts run more rapid. I analyze and pick apart myself and find every little thing wrong with me, literally from head to toe.
They see the sadness in my eyes, the cuts on my wrist. They see how food makes me anxious and how I don’t get out of bed until five in the afternoon and that’s just to make a cup of coffee. They walk around like nothing is wrong with me, maybe they’re right, maybe it’s just all in my head, maybe this is all okay.
- me: despite the fact that no one views or cares about my blog, i will continue to spend the majority of my life updating it
- what we think people see when they look at us: if we have a thigh gap, our weight, our measurements, our jeans size, how much food we ate, the tiny blemishes on our skin, our collar bones, our hip dip
- what people see when they look at us: a person.
“When you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change.” —The 14th Dalai Lama (via thegreatearth)
the things you look at change.” —The 14th Dalai Lama (via thegreatearth)
My mom doesn’t find out anything from the cardiologist until the 29th I can’t wait that long.
I honestly don’t know how to find peace within myself.
half of me: I want to lose weight
other half of me: I want my life back
I am just an empty shell, a walking corpse, I feel as though I’m dead already.
I ran 5 miles yesterday, I’m not sure how I’m suppose to feel. Proud or disgusted.
- Everyone: You look healthier!
- Me: Is that code for fatter?
